the Future.

BEFORE I EVEN BEGIN: Please note- I'm RANTING. I know you'll be pissed if you read this, but I need to let it out to the unknowing masses of the cyber world. Don't take this TOO personally... It's not the end of the world that I think this, so don't act like it is.

you say that you want us to have a future together. you say that i'm the love of your life and you want us to be together forever. i don't know if i want that any more. you don't respect me. you act as if my curiosity is me trying to spy on you. i never get a straight answer out of you. we never go do things that i want to do. i mean even now, you're somewhere in dallas while i sit at home and miss the party YOUR friend wanted us to go to... and don't even start that "why not just go by yourself" crap, if you had gone, i would have known a grand total of two people. can you blame me for not wanting to go out and party by myself? even when you're with me, creepy old men follow me around and try and  touch me... could you IMAGINE what it would be like if i was there ALONE? look, don't get me wrong i understand that you had some crazy ex's. that doesn't mean you have to act like i'm one of them. learn to apologize and share with me. i have given you EVERYTHING you wanted. i give in to your every whim and fantasy and in return you yell at me, tell me i'm "being hormonal" or, god forbid, "acting like one of the ex's". i'm BEYOND broke, you owe lots of people money including me, and you still spend every dime you make on yourself. oh, and forget if someone who you owe asks for a bit of money back! you act as if it's the end of the world. i pretend not to get upset when you buy the next new toy or want me to help you decide how to spend each bit of money you earn... when you don't have money, i pay for our occasional date with out complaint. once you have cash, you buy me McDonald's and act as if that makes us "square". ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! do you really even care about me? i mean honestly, no bullshiting around, do you actually care about me and want those things you say you do? then, start treating me like you do. if you want me to love you for the rest of our lives, then, please, i beg you, try to start acting more mature. keep me in the loop, share your thoughts and feeling with me, settle your debts, take care of your body and mind, and surprise me with something sweet every once in a while.

insignificant.

so it just occurred to me that i've become one of those girls who writes the most depressing shit about her life down and send it out into cyberspace. i know no one reads this. i know it's really cliche to write about how depressed and alone i feel as a teenager. frankly, i don't care right now.

obviously, my opinions aren't worthy of anyone's ears nowadays. i laugh because for the first 3 years of my high school existence, i was practically a goddess. people listened to my ideas, listened to me rant about injustices, and would value my opinion above those of others. somehow, in the last couple months i went from this fantastic public figure to a meek little unheard voice in the back. my thoughts on things i know greatly about are ignored and if i try to give constructive ideas about a project, i become the bad guy. when i try to talk to the only person i really feel i have left to confide in, i am made to feel guilty and unworthy to think such thoughts about others. my one day where i really just feel like being a total asshole, just to get it out of my system so it stops building up, i'm all of a sudden "always like this". i NEVER share my opinion unless it's asked for anymore. before, i would have told you even if you didn't want to hear it. the one person i feel close enough to talk to about all of this, doesn't want to take the time to listen to me. the person who says they want to be, i don't trust. i don't think i want to keep them in my life, but no one else seems to think the same thing. have i just become paranoid? have i finally been hurt so much, i can't let new people into my heart anymore?

i feel so alone now. even in a crowded room, i feel like no one gets what i'm saying or what i mean by my actions and statements. i feel like to even have just ONE friend, i have to put on this act of friend to everyone. i can't have a "bad feeling" about something, i can't just talk about how upset something makes me, i can't be anything less than a perfect host. it feels like everything is closing in on me, like all the walls are caving in, but at the same time, i feel like my closest link is a million miles away. i have no true friends anymore. everyone i thought was abandoned me for the latest flavor of the week. i don't talk to people anymore. i don't want to.

i know these thoughts aren't normal. i know my brain is behaving differently than it should right now. i feel like i'm losing my mind. i thought bout killing myself today. not as to attempt it, but if i did, what would it be like? would anyone i know feel guilty? would anyone cry at my funeral? who would come? who would try to save me? besides the fact i couldn't be useful for anyone's personal gain anymore, would anyone even miss me? it's unhealthy to think like this. to think such morbid thoughts about my own end, but one grows curious with time. i don't want to die, but what if?

i don't feel like a person anymore. i feel as if someone erased who i was and drew what they thought i should be now. 

i need help.

S.M.F.

words i've already said and thoughts i've already had.

i've said this before and i know you are all sick of hearing it, but it will get better.

i've had enough of this mindless drama...

if the "monotony" is too much for you. end it.

other wise, you have made a promise to me and i expect you to keep it. my opinion matters, my thoughts are to be heard, and if i've having a bad day you are my shoulder to cry on. you will be honest with me about EVERYTHING, you will admit when you have done wrong, apologize for getting upset with me, and treat me with the respect i deserve.

for a while now, i've begun to think you are bipolar. i am not saying this to demean you, it just fits a lot of what you do. your anger at me even mentioning it reinforces my thoughts. i firmly believe you need psychiatric help and possible medication because i know you are still the wonderful man i fell head over heels for but i feel i'm now looking at you through a fun house mirror and you have become distorted and strained.

i want MY penguin back.

if you don't want to have to work to get better (and i do believe it will improve your life and our life together) then this isn't worth my time. i'll cut ties, help you pack, and send you on your way.

because we BOTH deserve better.

we deserve to go out and have a nice meal, go dancing, watch bad movies and laugh, have nerf wars, to hug and feel safe, to kiss and feel like we're flying, and to look at each other and KNOW that the other only needs them and only wants what we already have.



i hope you read this.
i hope you agree with what i say and know that i am ready to say good bye if i HAVE to.
i hope you feel the same way about me.
i hope i'm not wrong about us.



yours,
S.M.F.

FIRST VIDEO!

I posted my first video blog on YouTube today! VERY exciting. You should all go check it out and subscribe to my channel!

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheCaptainSuzo



Yours,
Capt'n

Going Well.

Well, so far, this year has been going well. I successfully have made it to adulthood and i've reconnected alot with people so i'm happy.

Doing different things with my life, doing a couple of the better things still, and i feel happy.

So, good.



Capt'n.