insignificant.

so it just occurred to me that i've become one of those girls who writes the most depressing shit about her life down and send it out into cyberspace. i know no one reads this. i know it's really cliche to write about how depressed and alone i feel as a teenager. frankly, i don't care right now.

obviously, my opinions aren't worthy of anyone's ears nowadays. i laugh because for the first 3 years of my high school existence, i was practically a goddess. people listened to my ideas, listened to me rant about injustices, and would value my opinion above those of others. somehow, in the last couple months i went from this fantastic public figure to a meek little unheard voice in the back. my thoughts on things i know greatly about are ignored and if i try to give constructive ideas about a project, i become the bad guy. when i try to talk to the only person i really feel i have left to confide in, i am made to feel guilty and unworthy to think such thoughts about others. my one day where i really just feel like being a total asshole, just to get it out of my system so it stops building up, i'm all of a sudden "always like this". i NEVER share my opinion unless it's asked for anymore. before, i would have told you even if you didn't want to hear it. the one person i feel close enough to talk to about all of this, doesn't want to take the time to listen to me. the person who says they want to be, i don't trust. i don't think i want to keep them in my life, but no one else seems to think the same thing. have i just become paranoid? have i finally been hurt so much, i can't let new people into my heart anymore?

i feel so alone now. even in a crowded room, i feel like no one gets what i'm saying or what i mean by my actions and statements. i feel like to even have just ONE friend, i have to put on this act of friend to everyone. i can't have a "bad feeling" about something, i can't just talk about how upset something makes me, i can't be anything less than a perfect host. it feels like everything is closing in on me, like all the walls are caving in, but at the same time, i feel like my closest link is a million miles away. i have no true friends anymore. everyone i thought was abandoned me for the latest flavor of the week. i don't talk to people anymore. i don't want to.

i know these thoughts aren't normal. i know my brain is behaving differently than it should right now. i feel like i'm losing my mind. i thought bout killing myself today. not as to attempt it, but if i did, what would it be like? would anyone i know feel guilty? would anyone cry at my funeral? who would come? who would try to save me? besides the fact i couldn't be useful for anyone's personal gain anymore, would anyone even miss me? it's unhealthy to think like this. to think such morbid thoughts about my own end, but one grows curious with time. i don't want to die, but what if?

i don't feel like a person anymore. i feel as if someone erased who i was and drew what they thought i should be now. 

i need help.

S.M.F.